|VISIONS OF ORGANIC SUGAR PLUMS DANCED IN HER HEAD |
Anyone else notice that my newborn grandchild is starting to look a lot like Buddha? It's probably all that organic breast milk ...
I'm not sure when it happened, but at some point after leaving my nest and building one of her own (out of organic kale, I'm sure), my daughter became a health nut. She drinks organic almond milk, she bakes with organic whole wheat flour and raw organic sugar, and she would rather drink a bowl of warm pesticide than allow ground beef to ever touch her plate, much less her intestines. The woman does not even own a deep-fryer, for God's sake.
Which is wonderful, because let's face it, most of us eat some pretty disgusting shit. It's just that it's a little surprising to find that the tot I weaned on Timbits and pizza has grown up to become Gwyneth Paltrow. (Only prettier, smarter, sweeter and a fuck of a lot less annoying.)
This realization dawned on me at well past midnight one night as I was stealthily perusing her larder in search of a snack to energize me whilst tending to her baby, my beloved Piggly Wiggly. Hmm, let's see, I thought: hemp hearts, organic pumpkin seeds, fair trade dark chocolate ... WTF, can't a starving grandmother get some goddam JUNK FOOD around here?
Eventually I found some beer and a bag of barbecue potato chips, which must have been left over from the previous residents, but it got me thinking: maybe I should eat better.
Then, as I was sitting there on the couch cramming chips into my facehole with both hands, I got a sign from God. At least that's how I'm interpreting the fact that suddenly, there was comedian Jim Gaffigan on TV waxing euphoric about fast food because guess what, people? There are no coincidences.
So, my little wheatgrass goddess, while I respect your wholesome efforts, I think I'll stick with the greasy fries for awhile. Have a look at this absolutely hilarious video and maybe you too will decide Jim is on to something, because holy cow's milk, is he the picture of health or what?