Thursday, 28 May 2015

MIRANDA KERR HAS CONVENIENTLY BECOME A LESBIAN

DON'T GET TOO EXCITED, BOYS, SHE'S NOT A REAL LESBIAN 
(Boys: WHO CARES???)
British GQ, May 2014
I'm not sure when fake lesbianism and girl-on-girl makeout sessions became a thing but I think it was right around the same time porn was invented. They were both made up to please men who'll believe anything their penis wants them to believe, which is why, I'm assuming, we have freshly divorced and by all accounts heterosexual supermodel Miranda Kerr suddenly pretending she'd have a go at a woman if the opportunity presented itself. 

The Victoria's Secret hottie appears naked in the May edition of British GQ and, because just taking your clothes off isn't enough for a jaded readership anymore, embellishes her nudity with a ridiculous buffet of lies guaranteed to make this issue fly off the stands like panties at a Tom Jones concert

Kerr, who recently split with Orlando Bloom, tells British GQ she is dating (men, by the way) and loving it and is open to whatever comes her way. 
“I appreciate both men and women. I love the female body and truly appreciate the female form. I really enjoy sketching women. I definitely need a man in the bedroom however,­ a nice strong chest to lie on. Still, I want to explore. Never say never.”

Which, if you're any good at reading between the lines, commits her to absolutely nothing. It's complete froth designed to boost sales. Titillation for titillation's sake. And I've suddenly realized there's not one single man reading this insightful screed because they're all out buying British GQ. Goddammit. 

EDITOR'S NOTE: Well if that's all it takes to win readers then why don't you just tell everybody you'd do a woman  too sometime maybe?

MY NOTE: *peers intently at editor's curiously Connor Smallnut groin area* As a matter of fact, maybe I would. Given the options ...