Friday, 7 March 2014


Human Barbie, Valeria Lukyanova, Whorrified, Marie Sutherland,
YOU, TOO, CAN LOOK ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE HUMAN BARBIE simply by wasting a half hour of your precious time on her bizarre makeup ritual.

I've written two posts about Human Barbie and since she's probably going to die any day now (hashtag #breatharian) I feel I ought to ramp it up a bit. Pay homage to her special breed of bonkers. Which I am in fact I'm kind of blown away by because holy shit, I just saw this video she posted about the half-hour (repeat, half hour) makeup procedure she goes through to turn her face into Barbie's and it is Pulitzer material, you guys. 

Never mind the fact that she has undergone painful boob-enlargements and God knows what else that she refuses to admit to (but last time I saw a waist like that it was on real Barbie and she's made of plastic), so let's just admit it, this woman is awesome. A role model. A frickin' genetic physicist. Words simply will not suffice in terms of the amount of bootlickingness required here, so what I've done is, I've emulated her. I've performed her makeup ritual on myself and by God, if someone doesn't mistake me for Human Barbie's Grandma then I don't know what is wrong with this world.

I mean, we're talking nose-sculpting, lip enlarging, eyebrow minimizing this woman isn't putting on makeup, she is MAKING A WHOLE NEW FACE. Of course I don't have the approximately $3,000 worth of products Human Barbie has, nor am I surgically enhanced (I know; you find that almost impossible to believe), nor am I 26 years old (again, just trust me). But still, I think I came scarily close, don't you? I've provided the YouTube video, below, in case you, too, have too much time on your hands on account of you couldn't afford to get away for March Break.

EDITOR'S NOTE: I don't think I've ever seen anything quite so terrifying in my entire life.
MY NOTE: The best part of this story ... and I only wish I were making this up ... is when, as I was furiously typing away up in my office, the doorbell rang and I friggin answered it IN FULL DRAG-QUEEN SPACKLE. With a glass of wine in my hand. 
I swear my poor neighbour forgot the reason he was even there (to ask me to sign a boring petition regarding boring townhouse business) and indeed even forgot how to speak English for a full five seconds while the horrible realization that he lives next door to a lunatic crept over him.
"What the fuck is wrong with this dude?" I wondered for a moment, and then it hit me and I immediately made things worse by cackling maniacally and shrieking "HAHAHAA you're probably wondering about this crazy makeup I have on!" 
"Uhm ... it's ... no, it's okay, I don't ... I ... " he stammered bravely before giving up and shoving the petition at me with a visibly trembling hand. I'm sure Human Barbie goes through this sort of thing all the time.