Sunday, 9 March 2014


Paulina Gretzky, Whorrified, Marie Sutherland,
I won't pretend I'm brokering my BFF's 
virginity here. (Unless you are prepared to 
make a really lucrative offer, in which case
you can email me at

You may recall how, just two days ago, I made hay with Paulina Gretzky's duplicitous attempt to "help" her newly single BFF by posting a photo of herself standing beside her in a skimpy black dress on Instagram. 

And if you don't recall, you're either not a guy or you didn't see this post here. Anyway, the point is, a friend of mine saw it and immediately emailed me. "That bitch is wearing your dress! Remember? That pic in your living room? That night we went out and terrorized Hamilton and the bartender asked you if you were an angel and you said 'No, because angels would tip you?' Which reminds me, are you still single? I can't imagine why." 

All of which actually happened, including the black dress, and if we'd had Instagram back in the day this picture would have been on there with the caption: "Forever Single BFFs, becuz NONE OF Y'ALLZ CAN HANDLE WHAT THE WHORROR IS COOKIN! " or some such daft misspelled piffle because that's the kind of social media trail Rihanna and Miley have blazed, you guys. It's like literature was to our generation, except that it's penned for and by illiterates.

EDITOR'S NOTE: *grips photo sweatily* You know, I think I kind of remember that night.
MY NOTE: Well I don't see how that's possible because you weren't even born yet. Although I'm sure you were already a moron.