Sunday, 13 April 2014

BAD-ASS PRINCE WILLS PRETENDED KATE'S KNOCKED UP

kate middleton, kate and wills, royal tour new zealand, prince george, amisfield winery, whorrified,
KATE TOSSES BACK A GLASS OF AURUM PINOT GRIS
at Amisfield Winery while Wills ponders his next heir-to-the-throne prank.

Kate's pregnant!!! Kate's pregnant!!!! Kate's ... what? Oh. False alarm. That, in less than ten words, is the hilarious bit of fun Wills had with us on Saturday, knowing full goddam well the effect his words would have on a planet that finds royal baby bumps second only to Kim Kardashian's ass in bathing suit in terms of Things I Need to Know About Right Now-iness. (Wills: "No one will call me a dullard!")

Wills told a woman who gave Prince George a handknitted baby blanket on Saturday that she "might have to make another one soon," triggering immediate cardiac arrest amongst all royal-watchers, reporters and gossip bloggers who, unlike myself, were sober enough on a Saturday night to process the deep meaning of this clever hint.
And for once I'm thankful that I was completely comatose when the big news broke because I'd have forced myself to sober up for nothing. Because the very next day, Kate was at New Zealand's Amisfield Winery, knocking back glasses of the blood of Christ like there was no tomorrow and telling everyone she was "really enjoying being able to drink again after having baby George." 

So either Kate has gone full-blown Tanning Mom on us and plans to be absolutely shithammered throughout this entire gestation period (and frankly, if anyone deserves to be shithammered 24-7 it's a pregnant woman) or sassy little Wills was just pulling our chain with both blue-blooded hands. And since no one wants a fetal alcohol syndrome baby, not even if he's royal, I'm going with option #2.