Sunday, 6 April 2014

HOW TO BE HUMAN, PART 2 TODAY'S LESSON: OPRAH





The following is an open letter to Kanye West, who actually does read Whorrified so this isn't as ridiculous as you might think:

Dearest Ye: 

Welcome to How to Be Human, the much-delayed sequel to an older but still relevant lesson: smiling. Today's lesson decency — is a short lesson, taking up no more than 10 seconds of your valuable time, but it will enrich your life immeasurably and perhaps save the life or at least the groin area of your many victims, past, present and future. 

Because here is Oprah Winfrey, whom I think we can all agree is Jesus, demonstrating how to be gracious no matter how staggeringly rich, famous and godlike you may be. Observe how she signs autographs, she smiles, she joshes, she takes a moment to answer a very personal question, ALL WITHOUT PUNCHING, SWEARING AT OR ATTEMPTING TO MAIM any of the paparazzi surrounding her. 

So regardless of what God Himself told you in one of your many psychotic episodes, it IS possible. You CAN control yourself. Even though you ARE a jackass and your Gemini mask IS ridiculous and your baby mama IS a porn star. Aha! You're getting angry! You've embedded your fist in my temple. Now you've kicked me in the lady garden while choking me with both hands *gasp* Know what this means? *gurgle* It means you have failed this vital lesson and will have to watch the video again. And possibly *wheeze* again. Don't blame me, blame Jesus. She put this in my path for a reason. *gurgle, gasp, death rattle*

EDITOR'S NOTE: I've never seen her turn that colour before. It's probably stigmata of some kind.