Monday, 28 April 2014

SORRY IF MY NAKED DRIVING OFFENDS YOUR BUTTFACE

mini cooper, whorrified, drive naked, drive barefoot, barbados travel,
BECAUSE THIS IS A FAMILY BLOG, I opted to be fully clothed in this photograph. 
(Although anyone who has driven with me is now completely blind knows I drive naked.)

If my extensive travels to the laidback Caribbean have taught me anything it's that mopeds are dangerous and Canada is one tightly clenched sphincter of a country. We are a nation of tsking schoolmarms and it drives me absofrickinlutely bonkers.
You want to buy booze at the corner store? Sorry. You can't do that here.
You want to have a little campfire in your backyard? Sorry. You can't do that here and I'm going to have to report you to the bylaw officer.
What's that? You want to smoke a cigarette? Good God, man! Are you trying to get yourself thrown in jail?

Nothing annoys me more than having a perfectly good time ruined by someone who feels it is their duty to tell me "that's not safe," "that's not good for you" or, my personal favourite, "that's not appropriate." (I like to respond to that one by poking the accuser in the arse with a pointed stick while simultaneously doing flaming tequila shots, hanging a moon and driving with my eyes closed. "I'll give you something to scold about, by God!" I cackle as I fling the empty tequila bottle out the window, where it smashes into a NO LITTERING sign with poetic precision.)

However, until I am rich enough to realize my dream of retiring in Barbados, I must try to control my urge to be a reckless scofflaw and indulge only my mildest wild instincts. But even these seem to put people right over the edge.

Take my habit of driving naked, for example. I can't tell you how many people have told me this is "against the law." (It isn't.) That it's risky. That it's irresponsible. That it's just plain "wrong."
Yeah? Well so is gambling, but for some reason the government doesn't have a problem with that (unless you do it outside of the healthful confines of their own little empires). And so is being a stripper but the government doesn't have a problem with that either (at least not now that Patrick Brazeau is keeping an eye on things for them). And so is being a drug dealer but the government REALLY doesn't have a problem with that (as long as you call yourself GlaxoSmithKline rather than "Hoodie McHoodrat"). It's all about bullshit perspective, is what I'm saying here.
So just let me drive naked in peace, will you? It's fun, it feels good and I'm not hurting anyone ... and believe me, it's one of the tamer urges I could be indulging. 


EDITOR'S NOTE: I may not be the most observant man on the planet but I'm pretty sure I'd have noticed if you were driving around naked.
MY NOTE: Well I drive around naked — from the ankle down.
EDITOR'S NOTE: You mean "barefoot?" Well that was pretty misleading!
MY NOTE: Oh? Perhaps you should call the blogging police and have me arrested. *pokes editor in the arse with a pointed stick while simultaneously doing flaming tequila shots, hanging a moon and driving with eyes closed*