Friday, 25 April 2014


piggly wiggly, whorrified, vivien chen photography, whorrified, celebrity gossip,
MY BABY, SNOOZING IN THE BASKET that I will use to smuggle her out of the house later tonight. "Just nipping out to do some laundry!" I'll sing breezily. "Back soon!" 
Vivien Yen Photography

My daughter needs some help with Piggly Wiggly this weekend and of course I put up my hand to volunteer even before she'd finished asking the question because holy crap, I don't know what they're putting in babies these days but this one is more addictive than crack. I can already predict that I won't put my baby down down for more than four minutes, max, the entire time I'm there. (Unless it's to take a picture of something I've put on her head.) 
And yes, I said "my baby." Is it weird that I pretend she's my baby? Because when I hold her and cuddle her and get up with her in the middle of the night during those precious visits, it feels like she's my baby. In fact I may even have tried to suckle her once. But if you tell her mother I'll deny it. And then I'll ruin your life in exactly the same way I ruined the lives of every man who ever tried to cross me. (Don't bother asking them. They didn't live to tell of it.)

EDITOR'S NOTE: Did you really try to ...
MY NOTE: Stop it with your disgusting fantasies, editor. I still haven't got over the time I caught you ogling those photos from my secret Caribana files.