We’re now on Day 4 of the Donald Sterling is a Racist Jackass debacle, and if you ask me, we’re making it far more complicated than it needs to be. Which is what always happens when eggheads get involved. Or the polar opposite of eggheads, that being TMZ.
So now, although nobody asked me but I’ve certainly never let that stop me, I am taking it upon myself to cut through the bullshit and right to the goddam chase: the man is guilty. How do I know? In the same way I knew Phil Spector was guilty: just by looking at him. Nobody with that raddled, roué and quite frankly terrifyingly alcoholic a visage could be anything but a racist sexual predator. And possibly also a child molester. The man looks capable of anything.
And now that we’ve determined his guilt, let’s move swiftly on to his punishment. There’s no need to agonize endlessly and limp-wristedly over this, it’s obvious there’s only one fitting end for this creep and it’s lynching. Poetic justice, I believe it’s called.
There. See? It really didn’t need to be difficult. You were just overthinking things — and completely losing sight of the real issue in the process, namely what the fuck is wrong with his mixed-race “girlfriend,” anyway?
Aside from the fact that she’s an obvious gold-digger who’d apparently sleep with Hitler if it meant people would check out her Instagram porn, she also has an annoying faux name: V. Stiviano. Jesus Christ, woman, you’re selling your genitals to the highest bidder, the least you could do is tell us your full name. Unless of course, you can’t remember how to spell it because you’re legally retarded. In which case it all makes perfect sense and I’m sorry if I offended you and your ugly boyfriend.
MY NOTE: Hm, let’s see *consults notes* homosexuals, sluts, TMZ, eggheads, alcoholics, Paula Deen …SHIT! I forgot Paula Deen! Thanks, Editor. You finally did something useful.
EDITOR’S NOTE: *sighs* Don’t mention it.
FRICKIN AWESOME UPDATE: Sterling has been banned for life from the NBA and fined $2.5 million. Those odd sounds you're hearing are V. Stiviano's vagina snapping shut followed by her Manolos fleeing his bedroom as fast as they can carry her. Not that it wasn't real love; it's just that his bloated corpse-like body suddenly makes her physically sick now that it's penniless.