Tuesday, 27 May 2014

BREAKING NEWS: JUSTIN BIEBER ISN'T BLACK AFTER ALL

Justin Bieber, Money B, Digital Underground, Cannes,
THERE'S A CRUEL RUMOUR GOING AROUND that Justin Bieber isn't really black. Which can't possibly be true because if you watch this video of him walking around Cannes shirtless you'll SWEAR you're looking at P Diddy. 
MailOnline/DailyMailUK

Despite months of increasingly convincing evidence to the contrary, a pernicious rumour is starting to gain traction in Hollywood, to wit: Justin Bieber isn't really black. We've been hearing whispers about it for some time now, but it never really took root because c'mon. Have you heard the kid rap? He's black. He's gotta be black! 

In what has to be the politest, most sensitively worded diss ever (video below), Money B of the legendary rap group Digital Underground tells TMZ that the simple act of hanging around with Rick Ross and walking around with your shirt off doesn't make you black. In fact, he said, the Biebs "seems like a soft dude." Meaning he hasn't shot anyone and he cried when he got arrested.

When pressed ... one might even say goaded ... Money added that if our little white black man ever showed his pretty face in the hood, "he would definitely get extorted, you know what I'm sayin'?"  
Well actually I don't. However my moron editor speaks fluent hoodrat. "Yo, E, what does 'extorted' mean?" 
"Extorted? That's like when they pipe delicious pastry through a tube and ..." 
"What the f*ck you talkin' about homie? That's EXTRUDED!" 
"Yo for reals? Man ... " *sucks teeth*  
"Oh good lord, Editor. Go listen to your Rob Ford tapes again; you've lost your patois."