Monday, 22 August 2016

MARIAH CAREY OCCASIONALLY ENJOYS PUBLIC TRANSIT

 MARIAH CAREY, RIDING THE SUBWAY LIKE A NORMAL PERSON 
And you know it's the first and only time she's done it because she's smiling. 
Instagram@MariahCarey#

You know how when you were a little girl (or, if you are my moron editor, a little hermaphrodite) you went through a phase where you wanted to be a princess? Well Mariah Carey never grew out of that phase. The princess dresses and princess attitude just kept getting bigger and shinier until finally she became HerDivaliciousness, the Queen of Everything. Because here she is on her way to a charity gala, riding the subway in a goddam bejewelled gown and gloves (while foolishly forgoing the sequined flu mask, because as we all know, the subway reeks of piss). I'm certain it happened just like this:
Mariah: Jeeves! I’m bored silly. Let’s go ride the subway like the poor people do!
Nick: Yo stop callin’ me JEEVES, girl!
Mariah: *opens and shuts testicle-shaped wallet with a chilling snap* Don’t you mean ‘Stop calling me Jeeves YOUR MAJESTY’?
Nick: Omigod, why is no one fanning you right now? Do forgive me …