Tuesday, 6 May 2014

YOUR BABY IS USELESS UNTIL SHE KNOWS HOW TO SELFIE

Piggly Wiggly, selfie, whorrified, marie sutherland,

I babysat my little pumpkin this morning and while her beautiful mother was out shopping or getting her nails done or blowing her maternity leave money at the casino (I don't ask; she could be paying a jailhouse visit to Chris Brown for all I care as long as it means I get to spend some time with my Piggly) I dutifully followed her strict orders to "do something educational" with the baby by introducing her to one of society's most crucial survival skills: the selfie. It was either that or introduce her to butt-chugging, but the last time I tried that she puked up half a bottle of Crown Royal AND THAT STUFF'S NOT CHEAP, you guys!

You might think it would take some time to school a four-month-old in this delicate art, but to my proud amazement, she took to it like she was made for it. (Which, in my opinion, she was; she's a hell of a lot more attractive than Kim Kardashian's arse and that thing has more than 1 million followers.) The child not only instinctively knew to look DIRECTLY AT THE CAMERA but also to be absolutely adorable and to refrain from making that stupid "selfie" face so many tedious youngsters do: the cross-eyed, tongue-sticking-out goofball face someone told them was cute. (Clue: It's not.) 

The child is obviously a genius and we're going to make a fortune off her. The first thing I'm going to buy with my share of the dirty money is a new camera — oh, and a new bra, one of those awesome push-up ones that jack your girls right up to your chin. If I'm going to posing for reams of Piggly selfies I might as well try to score some fame for myself while I'm at it.