The mystery of the bizarre elevator smackdown somehow remains impossibly unsolved despite the fact that there are snitches everywhere, otherwise how did that Solange-vs-Jay-Z tape get leaked in the first place? And since neither Beyonce nor Jay-Z — or even the person who probably started the whole thing: Solange *(Editor: Are we sure we want to ... Me: It's called a hunch; leave it in)* — are going to help me out by talking about their personal lives, I'm just going to have to make stuff up.
As a woman who is not unfamiliar with sudden-onset meltdowns, I can assure you there are only ever four reasons for them:
3) Crazy and
Unfortunately for Solange, I'm going to push this hunch envelope a little further and say I suspect a toxic mix of all four here. It is worth noting that Beyonce, who did not lift a finger to intervene during the fight, posted a cryptic message (shown below) immediately afterwards about eliminating toxic relationships from her life.
I've had my team of toxicology experts examine it thoroughly and they've uselessly deduced that it could refer to either Jay or Solange, which I could have figured out myself (so guess what, you morons, you're not getting paid!). But since Bey just finished writing a whole bunch of shite songs about how drunk in love she is with Jay and his splooge flute, I'm going with Solange.
Also worth noting: according to Jezebel, Solange has deleted every Instagram photo with Beyonce in it except this one, above. Which also tells me absolutely nothing. Really, Solange. You didn't hold back with your fists of fury in the elevator, so why hold back on the clues? Now is not the time to start feeling remorse!
EDITOR'S NOTE: Maybe she's afraid the Illuminati will edit her out of life. They can do that, apparently.
MY NOTE: Actually, apparently not.
Update: Jay-Z and Solange have been spotted enjoying the time-honoured inlaw forgiveness ritual of shopping for women's jewellery. This kin-on-kin mess is making less sense every minute. Although I'm starting to smell a cheating husband scandal brewing ...