Monday, 26 May 2014

THIS DOES NOT AMUSE ME. YOU'LL HAVE TO TRY HARDER

Piggly Wiggly, whorrified,
PUTTING THINGS ON PIGGLY WIGGLY'S HEAD IS ALWAYS FUN but now that I've heard she smiles and giggles, I've got a new hobby. Follow the links below for more.

So I spent a few days visiting my daughter and her baby, Piggly Wiggly. Who actually does have a name, but at her mother's request we aren't bandying it about on a blog that talks about almost nothing but celebrity tits. It's all very Adele but I respect her wishes. It's what any good mother would do.

Visiting a first-time mom and her baby is a curious affair, whereupon hours are spent discussing the texture, colour and frequency of poop and reading books that are far too advanced for a four-month-old because how else is one going to cultivate a genius? (Have you guys ever read Pat the Bunny? That stuff's for morons!) I'd normally want to shoot myself in the head with a crossbow if forced to listen to this sort of piffle, but when the subject in question is one's own grandchild, suddenly it becomes more fascinating that the complete works of Johnnie Walker.

The highlight of the visit was learning that Piggly is smiling and cooing and even giggling now. Or so I'm told. I hadn't actually witnessed any of this myself, so as soon as her mom went down for a nap I was on that mission like Kim on black. I figured it'd be easy, but modern babies are surprisingly jaded. I swear this child was looking at me and thinking: "Frankly, you bore me." So for the next half hour, I made faces, I made silly sounds, I did things even Tanning Mom would consider ridiculous. And in the end ... well, CLICK HERE to witness the journey to the centre of the sun.