|IS JAY Z BEING UNFAITHFUL TO BEYONCE? |
The Internet seems to think so AND THE INTERNET IS ALWAYS RIGHT!
(Sorry. The Internet wrote that last bit.)
SCENE FROM THE 'RUN' TRAILER/YouTube
A SPECIAL, DEEP-THRUSTING WHORRIFIED INVESTIGATION
A goodly number of you have written to ask if I have any intel on what the hell is going on between Jay Z and Beyonce, most recently an intrepid journalist who would herself normally be able to get to the root of this in two twos were she not busy fending off email trolls.
"You know what I need?" she asked. "A whole Whorrifed investigation on: is Jay Z whoring around." (Girlfriend! Extra points for using the word "whoring.")
My first instinct was to fire back a zippy riposte: "Well, let's see. Is he male? I'm going with 'Yes.' Case closed!" But in fairness to the fingers of one hand with which I use to count the decent men I've known in my life, I decided to be a little more thorough.
Besides, I myself have been wondering about the Carters' marriage ever since Solange went bananaballs on Jay in an elevator while Beyonce tacitly approved from the sidelines. And I'm not the only one.
A cursory glance at the most reputable websites reveals a disturbing amount of dirt on these two. Rumours of backstage bickering, Jay's controlling behaviour and name-calling and, finally and predictably, the bleached blond whores emerging to claim they've slept with Jay.
Even by Hollywood's extremely low standards, that's an awful lot of rumours for a supposedly happy couple.
Well you know what I always say: where there's smoke, there's firecrotch. And I love nothing more than exposing firecrotch (except maybe gin ... oh, and Crown Royal ... mmm, no, Grey Goose ... how did I get onto this topic? Where was I? EDITOR! Fill this goddam glass up, I can't think straight when I'm sober! *slurps daintily* Ahhhh. That's better) so I've decided to dive into this mess headfirst and not emerge until I've found out the truth.
I'll start by contacting the Illuminati. I happen to have their direct line right ... well that's odd, my phone just vapourized. I'm sure it's just a coincidence. So instead, let's examine the evidence and then do what any reputable gossip would do: assume. Loudly. Assertively. Repeatedly. Until it becomes fact.
Oh relax, the Internet does it all the time. Just be thankful I'm not trying to make anybody pregnant.
IN THE NEXT INSTALMENT: The whores everybody says Jay slept with so it's probably true, is how the logic works.