Wednesday, 11 June 2014

POSTPONING MY DEBAUCHERY ONLY MAKES IT STRONGER

Hallmark, Whorrified, birthday, Marie Sutherland,
SIGNS YOU HAVE DONE A DAMN FINE JOB AS A MOTHER:  
Your firstborn sees this birthday card and immediately thinks: "That's perfect!"

I know I promised you the lurid details of my birthday festivities but due to alcohol poisoning circumstances beyond my control these are temporarily unavailable. And will remain so until the Internet loosens up on those Talibanesque "No Cougar Nudity" rules. I've already been threatened with a lifetime ban once and was able to back them off only by promising to get a Brazilian. And frankly I'd rather be banned for life than go through that again. 

MY FEATHER-LIGHT 
NEW BALANCE TRAINERS 
AND WHORRIFIED TANK TOP


Also, to be honest, Saturday night's epicness turned out to be a lot less epic than I had hoped. Several of my friends ran out of steam before the 60-pounder was empty and then one of them completely finished things off by announcing he had made an executive decision that, since most of our party posse are June babies, we'll be doing the BIG bash on June 21st at Sugar Daddy's. Complete with a limo he had already taken the liberty of renting. Most of my friends responded by mumbling "thank God," putting their head down on the picnic table and immediately commencing to snore.

"I toast your stupid idea with my butt," I pouted to my friend.
"You'll thank me later," he shrugged. "Speaking of butts, can I have another piece of your barbecued chicken? It's a little chewy but I find it oddly appealing."

Between he and I and the only other partier who hadn't fallen asleep, we polished off the Smirnoff's and then decided to hit an after-hours, because dammit, I'd got a Brazilian and it was my birthday. Why sit at home letting all that go to waste?

On the plus side, I still have the 21st to look forward to. Also, thank God for my children because not only are they old enough to have moved out but also they are extremely thoughtful. Just look at the birthday goodies they showered me with: adorable new trainers from my eldest daughter, a soon-to-be-available-everywhere Whorrified.ca tank top from Piggly Wiggly's mom oh, and an entire case of McGuigan's Black Label shiraz from my mother. It's the perfect juxtaposition of all my addictions and follies, and I couldn't be drunker happier. 

As for those of you who have come to expect both less and more of me and who are therefore now hissing "What? We're not getting any nudity? WHAT KIND OF CRAP BLOG IS THIS?", I strongly recommend that you mark June 21 on your calendar. Because it is a physical impossibility for my crew to get into a rented limo, spend an entire evening at a nightclub and come home without at least four posts' worth of barely legal stories to pass on. And besides, I have a tank top to live up to.

RELATED: 
Allow me to remind you how last year's birthday went.  
Also allow me to remind you that I know all about epic.