Wednesday, 11 June 2014

SAINT GWYNETH WILL HEAL BEYONCE WITH YOGA MAGIC

Beyonce, Solange Knowles, Gwyneth Paltrow, yoga retreat, Jay Z,
BEYONCE, WEARING AN OUTFIT 
CLEARLY DESIGNED TO IMPRESS JESUS 
Which if you ask me was a waste of time 
because He hasn't lifted a finger to 
protect her from Gwyneth Paltrow.
Jbarta/Flickr
Because Gwyneth Paltrow is insane of the opinion that there's nothing that drinking wheatgrass smoothies and watching her alabaster arse perform the Downward Dog can't cure, she is taking her friend Beyonce on a friggin yoga retreat. This is her idea of how to salve the humiliation of suspected infidelity and having your batshit crazy sister deliver a shitkicking to your husband in what will become known as "Elevatorgate."

Jezebel reports that Gwyneth selflessly organized the four-day luxury retreat because she "reckons this is just what her friend needs to get her energy back."

So I guess when Beyonce posted that message to God's Instagram account right after the shitkicking, asking Him to deliver her unto better relationships, this is how He responded. By delivering Saint Gwyneth of the Artisanal Yoga Mats rather than doing what I would think would be infinitely more practical, that being dropping nude Javier Bardem holding a keg of vodka on her doorstep. Seriously. He's creator of the universe, how hard would that be? It'd be like buttering a piece of toast.