Wednesday, 25 June 2014

UM, JAY Z? THESE RUMOURS ARE STARTING TO ADD UP

Mya, Jay Z, JayZ mistress, Best of Me,
MYA, THE MOST RECENT WOMAN TO BE LINKED TO JAY Z, in a scene from Best of Me. And now I'm thinking the best of her must have been spectacular. 
YouTube

Oh dear. My Spidey senses, which are razor sharp when it comes to other people's relationships but absolute shite when it comes to my own, are tingling. Tingling real bad. Because just when it looked as though Solange had kicked the cheat out of Jay Z, the cheating rumours have resurfaced for, oh, I'm gonna say the tenth time. At least.

Which brings us around to a question that simply will not go away: that being, is Jay Z or is Jay Z not whoring around on Beyonce? And because I am nothing if not a serious journalist and morality guardian, I can think of no one better to dive into this quagmire of rumours and come up with the perfect pearl of truth. (Editor's note: Pearls don't grow in quagmires, they grow in clams. My note: No, you're thinking of beards. As usual.)


This latest rumour, which started on the popular website Crazy Days and Nights, claims Jay has secretly been keeping a mistress for years. Which I would normally find hilarious except that it's reportedly R&B beauty Mya, with whom he made the sexy duet Best of Me years ago, and holy crap have you seen that video? I think I'd be more suspicious if he wasn't fooling around with her.

"When people talk about Jay Z and his mistresses, they often forget about a mainstay who has been there forever," Crazy Days and Nights reported. "She is the person he calls when he needs to be discreet and thinking about old times. She is that very short-named R&B singer who hasn't had a hit in awhile and doesn't really even act or record any longer. She basically lives off the generosity of Jay Z and a couple of other guys." 

According to MediaTakeOut, this insider revealed Jay has been secretly hooking up with his one-time collaborator for years and taking care of her on the "down low," paying her bills and showering her with gifts. 

Rihanna, Jay Z, pink wig,
Serious question: Does Jay Z like pink hair and pierced nipples?

Jay has also recently been linked to Rihanna (probably not true because pink hair) and a slew of peroxided ninnies straight out of Tiger Woods' dreams, including Rita Ora (can't be true because she slept with Rob Kardashian and in what alternative reality does "moves directly on to Jay Z" make sense?), reality star Casey Cohen (not true because seriously?) and some Dutch tart named Claudia Sheelen.
 

That last rumour is a particular favourite of mine by dint of its sheer absurdity.
“I was with my girlfriends, and he sent over a drink to us," Claudia told the Mirror. "He had this huge bottle of Ace of Spades champagne, it must have been six or ten litres. (But definitely not eight? You're sure about that, Claudia? A marriage depends on this.) “He told me ‘I’ve been all over the entire world, but the girls in Antwerp are the prettiest girls.’ He didn’t mention Beyonce or Blue once.” Jesus, you mean to tell me the best rapper alive can't come up with a better pickup line than "Antwerp girls are the prettiest"? It doesn't even fucking RHYME!

And yet none of these vicious bonbons were really stimulating my truthiness detector until I heard the Mya rumour. For my money, the Mya rumour is the one Beyonce might want to book another trip to an elevator over. Particularly since neither Jay Z nor Mya have lifted a finger to dispel it because they're too busy having sex.

So is Jay Z cheating? Here's my take on it: Probably. Because the moral of this troublingly tenacious story is that men get bored. And that married men get more bored than single men. And that famous, rich married men get bored and have the means to really do something about it. And more importantly, stupefying wealth, fame and marriage to one of the hottest women on the planet are not enough to keep a man who wants to cheat from cheating because, in the words of known cheater Eddie Murphy, all most many many MANY men cheat.
So, never build your life around them, never assume their unfaithfulness is your fault, never discount the lesbianism option and above all, adjust your life plan accordingly. As I did. Three times. And would do again in a heartbeat, especially if I looked like Beyonce.


EDITOR'S NOTE: That's it? That's your "pearl"? Men cheat so dump their asses?
MY NOTE: I've decided I like you better when your face is covered with denim

MY EDITOR. Who is about the only person Jay Z hasn't been accused of having an affair with. Yet.