Friday, 11 July 2014

GWYNETH AND CHRIS MARTIN ARE RECOUPLING *GAGS*

Gwyneth Paltrow, Chris Martin, consciously uncoupling, hamptons,
GWYNETH AND CHRIS HAVE BEEN SPOTTED 'ACTING HAPPY' 
all over the Hamptons this week, proving you can never really escape Gwyneth's hemp tentacles.
WIKIPEDIA/FLICKR

Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay singer Chris Martin are reportedly consciously recoupling, despite having issued the most nauseating divorce statement in the history of divorce statements a mere four months ago amid rumours that Saint Gwyneth's clenched lifestyle and vegan bullying were unbearable. 

Within weeks of their uncoupling, we were hearing that Chris was sinking his teeth into every charbroiled quarter-pounder he could get his mitts on. ("Do your quarter-pounders contain any healthful ingredients, such as kale or steel-crushed flax seed?" I'm afraid not, sir. "I'LL HAVE TEN OF THEM!")

However, apparently the flavourless nectar of grain-fed Gwyneth is curiously addictive, because they've been spotted together several times this week, reeking of hemp and "acting happy." So either it was just a burger break or they're doing that ridiculous thing where people who were once lovers decide to remain friends. What the hell's the point of that, I ask you? Zero sex and a constant diet of tofu kebabs? Good God, Chris Martin. Don't you see it? You're in hell. That is literally the textbook definition of hell.