Saturday, 26 July 2014

I LOVED MY NEW SHOES ... UNTIL THEY TRIED TO KILL ME

caribana, rob ford, scotiabank caribbean carnival, minimus, new balance, whorrified,
THE WARNING TAG ON THESE
MINIMUS SHOES STATES:
"Caution. This product increases the strain 
on the foot, calf and Achilles tendon. 
Overuse of this product ... may increase 
the risk of sustaining injury. This product 
should be introduced slowly into 
an exercise routine." But it failed to add 
"THIS MEANS YOU, MARIE!"
so alas, I ignored it.
It started with a twang of discomfort at the gym. I was doing side lunges and jumping squats in the new Minimus mesh trainers I've been waxing euphoric about for weeks, and then suddenly, zouch. Burning knee pain.  It's been growing steadily worse, to the point that complete strangers now give me pitying glances and say, "Knee replacement or arthritis?" I'd kick them but I don't trust my good knee to take all the weight. 

I'm beginning to suspect the adorable Minimus shoes, which are featherlight and have almost zero support and which, to be fair, came with a warning regarding this very "feature." A warning I chose to ignore, as I do all warnings, because I'm a rebel and nothing bad has ever come of that except every single one of my marriages and that thing in Bermuda

According to my medical adviser, Dr. Google, I've either got a ruptured ACL, a strained quadriceps tendon or a torn meniscus. (Editor's note: Or you're getting old. My note: FUCKOFFANDIE!) All I know is I'm in excrutiating, agonizing, hobbling pain and I'm very likely going to miss Caribana. Which you might not think is a big deal but I was really looking forward to meeting Rob Ford so I could pelt butter at him.

It's all enough to make me dive snoutfirst into the vat of Jagermeister I keep around strictly for medicinal purposes. In fact the only thing that keeps me from doing just that is the fact that my mother underwent major heart surgery earlier this week and has not yet uttered one single syllable of complaint. So obviously what I need to do is just shut up, stop feeling sorry for myself and buy her a pair of Minimus trainers so I can show her what pain really is. Either that or go to a doctor and get this fixed instead of sitting around trying to wring pity out of everybody who crosses my path. *rereads last sentence, slaps injured knee* Ha! That's ridicu ... OUCH! GODDAMMIT!!!

EDITOR'S NOTE: *sighs* Are you on some weird kind of mind-altering painkillers or something?
MY NOTE: No. Why? You got any?