Yesterday TMZ posted a blurry cellphone video that purported to show Orlando Bloom "throwing a punch" at Justin Bieber in a restaurant while Justin hid behind his bodyguards and yapped, "What's up, bitch?" It was a shite video in every way, from the shameless click baiting to the fact that it looked like it had been shot by a drunk looking through a greasy vodka tumbler — you may know her as Lindsay Lohan — but it has had the unexpected bonus effect of setting off a flurry of Miranda Kerr tittie pictures.
Kerr, Bloom's former wife and a former Victoria's Secret model (former a lot of things, come to think of it), was the alleged provocation for the bare-knuckled shoving match. Oh God, don't ask me for the details, they're so goddam ridiculous ... okay fine, Bieber reportedly "flirted really hard" with Miranda at a fashion show in 2012 and Bloom apparently "got very cosy" with Bieber's ex Selena Gomez and now they're all jealous of each other so why the fuck did any of them break up in the first place?
Anyway Miranda Kerr was so relieved that not a hair on either man's attemped moustache was harmed that she immediately posted a thank-you photo of herself, topless and soaking wet in a bathtub, above. A move Justin Bieber followed up by posting his own picture of Miranda, below. Which of course made it glaringly obvious that Orlando Bloom is the only one who hasn't posted a picture of Miranda's bosoms so obviously I'm going to have to be the one to broker a peace deal by posting one for him. In fact, what the hell, I'll make it an entire soft-focus video of Miranda putting on her knickers.
There now. See? Everybody's happy. Seriously, they pay John Kerry how much to do this shit?
|TIT FOR TAT: MOMENTS AFTER MIRANDA POSTED the bathtub shot, Justin Bieber posted this one. And I'm not trying to stir Orlando up again but one can't help but wonder where he got it ... |