Today, in a special Canada Day tribute, I bring you a veritable hornucopia of lesbians, sideboobs and flat-out mockeries of the words "Sexiest Man Alive," all of which will leave you asking "What the hell does any of this have to do with Canada?" The answer being "Canada is obviously amazing because none of this shite ever happens here. Because we're all too busy lining up for free food poisoning at Mandarin." It's brilliant in its duplicity. Except that I did include Rob "I'd Like to F**king Jam Her" Ford, who graduated summa cum lard from some powder puff rehab facility where he learned absolutely nothing, despite his carefully scripted penances, otherwise would he immediately be showing up at City Hall and having his lackeys manhandle the press as if they were a drug deal gone bad? No he would not.
And so, to begin:
Rob Ford is back. We know this because someone has a black eye already. GlobeandMail
How the hell has Kim Kardashian's kid not suffocated in these massive braless udders by now? TooFab
Ireland Baldwin's butt selfies weren't doing the trick so she went interracial lesbo. I'm sure her dad would approve. People
Oh knock it off, JLo, your butt is getting a little too old for this kind of nonsense. TMZ
Would someone please remind me why anyone voted Adam Levine Sexiest Anything, Ever? PageSix
Whoa! Justin Bieber is spending way too much time naked and alone with his cellphone, IMHO. Fishwrapper
EDITOR'S NOTE: Once again, vodka-for-brains buried the lede. FREE FOOD AT MANDARIN FOR ALL CANADIANS TODAY! I'm so there. Happy Chinese Food Day!