Friday, 4 September 2015


kim kardashian, blac chyna, tyga, rapper's cars,
attempt to break the arse-time continuum while simultaneously thinking about nothing. Nothing at all. In fact I swear I can hear a dial tone ... 

Today's instalment of OPW (it doesn't have quite the tang of cool I was hoping for but why type three words when you can type one? I'm a busy woman and these martinis aren't going to drink themselves ... I hope) is brought to you by the gobsmacking planet of dumb that is Blac Chyna. Who found the time and money to get butt implants, face piercings and a matte black Rolls Royce Phantom, but never quite got around to getting a driver's licence. And likely wouldn't have qualified for one anyway because her death-defying acts of unlicensed terrorism caught the eye of the LAPD, who promptly impounded her vehicle. 

Unfortunately, her boyfriend, rapper Tyga, was of no use in this situation as he has had pretty much every car he owns impounded as well, most recently his white Lamborghini. And it's not that I expect genius of a professional stripper who has Kim Kardashian as a best friend, but Jesus Christ, woman, hire a chauffeur. There's no shame in it; some of our butteriest magistrates have had to do the same thing and now he can pretend to read while in a moving vehicle and no one gets hurt. 

In other news, we have babies the size of midgets and and of course the obligatory nipple slip. (Oh, don't pretend you're shocked. You know goddam well this isn't the Economist. That stuff's for smart people.)

To begin: Blac Chyna had her car impounded because unfortunately, money can't buy brain implants. X17

Mariah Carey went under the Photoshop knife in a big way. Jezebel

Selena Gomez had a nipple slip so naturally it went directly to Instagram. PerezHilton

Christina Aguilera is about to give birth to a full-grown man. TooFab

I'm going to break with tradition and not say anything mean here because Tracy Morgan is goddam lucky to be alive. TMZ