Sunday, 24 August 2014


anaconda, backup dancer, Iggy Azalea, MTV, Nicki Minaj, VMAs,
NICKI MINAJ IN ONE OF THE MANY FAMILY-FRIENDLY SCENES from her Anaconda video. Frankly I don't even know how that snake knew where to begin. 

I’m not sure I would have watched the MTV Video Music Awards tonight if it hadn’t been for my favourite news item of the day: "Snake bites Nicki Minaj's backup dancer." Yes, the world’s cleverest reptile wriggled out of a lifetime of servitude by attacking the help during a rehearsal of … wait for it … Anaconda. (Which if you ask me was an attempted mercy-killing, because seriously, have you seen the video for Anaconda? It's nothing but butts. Butts butts butt implants butts butts I-paid-damn-good-money-for-these-things butts butts Drake-looking-like-a-geek and here's a couple of backup dancers' butts.) 

The snake, a boa constrictor described as a “performance veteran” with 15 years of this shit under his belt, was draped around the dancer’s shoulders at the time of the incident. And although constrictors typically prefer to squeeze their idiot prey to death, this one apparently decided time was of the essence and sank his fangs into the dancer's arm, prompting a concerned Minaj to illiterately squawk “Did she get bit?” 

The snake’s handler confirms "Rocky" will not be included in tonight’s performance of Anaconda (Rocky: Yessssss! *fistpump*) although another snake with lower standards apparently will. If the VMAs’ promoters had paid a marketing agency a million dollars they could not have asked for a better ratings goose. 

EDITOR'S NOTE: Meanwhile in other VMAs near-tragedies, Iggy Azalea fell off the stage during rehearsal of her song Fancy. 
MY NOTE: I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if Rocky had something to do with that.