Monday, 21 August 2017

I TOOK TWO KIDS TO THE CNE AND WE'RE ALL STILL ALIVE!


HOW CUTE ARE THESE TWO? HONESTLY
Kiara, 12, (left) and her sister Shakira, 16, seemed shy but the second the cameras started rolling Shakira went all Sasha Fierce on me. LIKE A BOSS! 
Video courtesy of my moron editor


If you're wondering why it's been Radio Silence here on Whorrified for a few days, it's because I've been in jail. (Kidding. If they didn't lock Scout Willis up for this terrorist attack on our senses I think my Travelling Corn Dog Show and I are safe.) No, the truth is, a friend has two cousins visiting from Barbados, so I offered to fulfill my selfless court-ordered community service role as a global outreach ambassador by taking these perfectly innocent children to the CNE and showing them a good time. 

Meaning I forced them to perform for my moron videographer, gave them fake chores to do while I cooled off in the beer tent ("See if you can find 'Ricoh Coliseum' on that useless map they gave us, will you? Take your time ..."), took them on rides that scared the living crap out of them and then traumatized them by forcing them to watch me perform my traditional Consuming of the Corn Dog ritual. It's a foodstuff I wouldn't THINK of ingesting on any other day of the year, but the CNE corn dogs? I don't know what they put in those damn things but I will tell you this: if there's a grainy cellphone video out there of Rob Ford consuming one of them in somebody's basement I will not be surprised. 

Anyway, the moral of this story is that the entire day went off without a hitch, meaning no one got sick, injured, drunk or lost. No, wait, that's not quite true: Kiara did give us one hell of a fright for about 15 seconds there, going missing in the teeming throngs at the exact moment I was slathering my corn dog in various lubricants. But I got down on my hands and knees and begged for divine tubular intervention, and she came pelting back just in time to catch me inhaling my last gobble. You can't tell me that's a coincidence.

Barbados, Canadian National Exhibition, CNE, corndog, the ex, toronto,
SHE WENT THAT-A-WAY! 
I consulted the Mystical Corn Dog for directions as to the whereabouts of our missing Kiara AND IT OBLIGED!