Thursday, 31 July 2014

I'LL MISS YOU, CARIBANA, WILL YOU MISS ME? (DON'T LIE)

caribana, drake, toronto, ovo, whorrified, editorspick,
MY CARIBANA OUTFIT LAST YEAR (I thought the stripper heels were a nice touch)
It's just not going to be the same without me
Wooha! It's Caribana time, everybody! We are mere hours away from the biggest party of the year and I will very likely miss it because I'm in traction, basically. (Thank you, New Balance. You suck epically.) It's the first time in 17 years that I'll miss it, and so, because I am in mourning for my lost virginity ... *rereads* well it's not technically WRONG but what I meant to say was my lost mobility ... I leave you with my favourite Caribana post ever. It is my fondest wish, aside from wishing that Brampton's Mayor Susan Fennell would contract facial gonorrhea, that you read it and then get yourself down to the Lakeshore, drink some rum, eat some roti and dance your ass off with Rob Ford and all the other Jamaicans. 

I'll be at home watching the whole thing on television while my moron editor peels grapes and shoves them into his various orifices, completely forgetting the fact that I'm a cripple and can't pour my own martinis. But don't let that spoil your fun. I am many things but a martyr isn't one of them. Because how many martyrs do you know that don't let a debilitating knee injury stop them from inviting Toronto celebrities over and having their own Caribana parade right here in their own living room? *slaps on pasties, butt-grinds complete stranger* LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!

EDITOR'S NOTE: Mmm! These grapes are freakishly juicy! Oh, and by the way, the organizers respectfully request that you stop referring to it as "Caribana" and start referring to it as "The Scotiabank Caribbean Carnival."
MY NOTE: *swills Appleton's directly from Drake's bellybutton* The organizers can respectfully bite me! *butt-grinds*