|BEYONCE SHAMELESSLY USES HER OWN HUSBAND AND CHILD AS PROPS |
in an otherwise boring-as-snot musical performance. If I wanted decency and family values I'd turn to ... well I have no idea, actually, but it certainly wouldn't be the goddam VMAs!
I'm not sure what I was expecting from last night's MTV VMAs but it certainly wasn't tame behaviour. So between the overabundance of acronyms and the sheer skull-numbing dullness of it all I somehow wound up in a coma the likes of which I have not experienced since the last time I drained a 60-pounder of Jose Cuervo all by myself. Which was just two days ago but that's neither here nor there. The point is how the hell did the VMAs go from the promise of death-by-goddam-boa constrictor to the stultifying ennui of bloodless performances by everyone from Iggy Azalea to Katy Perry to Beyonce, whose epic 20-minute "performance" was so painful it made waterboarding seem like an attractive option?
Seriously. No twerking, no Ima Let You Finish-ing, not so much as a single nippleflash ... why I've been to Amish raves that had more "edge." (I highly recommend the molasses shooters: those sumbitches really creep up on you!) Even Miley Cyrus went all Christian on us and had some homeless shelter crusader preaching do-gooder gobbledygook when all the masses really wanted was a vag-flash or a rousing round of foam-fingering.
These are hard times, you guys: journalists are being beheaded and young black men are being shot dead for no reason other than, meh, he was jaywalking. If ever we needed musical court jesters it is now. We ask almost nothing of you other than that you pleasure us with your indecency and soullessness ... and you let us down. You let us down, Miley and Iggy and Beyonce and most of all Nicki Minaj. There's blood on your butt implants: I hope you can live with that.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to change the channel. There's gotta be someone somewhere who's willing to prostitute her good name for the sake of ratings and my personal amusement. Oh, look! They've made Whorrified into a pay-TV channel. BINGO!!!
|MILEY CYRUS AT THE 2013 VMAs:|
Twerking, tongue and vinyl underpants
|MILEY CYRUS AT THE 2014 VMAs: |
Tears, decorum and social activism. I leave it to you to decide which is the more entertaining option. (Hint: Not this one.)