Thursday, 28 August 2014

THIS POST BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE MAKERS OF BLUE IVY

blue ivy, beyonce, jay z, BET, mariah carey, kim kardashian, kendall jenner,
Q: WHICH OF THESE THREE IS IT SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE TO MAKE FUN OF? 
A: None of them, if you value your life. I recommend picking on the Kardashians instead. Everybody hates them. 
YouTube

Before I even begin this screed, I'd like to make one thing perfectly clear: it is Whorrified's very professional motto that when it comes to gossip, nothing is sacred. Except my butt. Because I'm sorry, celebrities, but as a species y'alls do some of the stupidest shit imaginable. Besides, even Honey Boo Boo is smart enough to know that an entertainer's job is to entertain us, so when you do things like get your butt injected with chicken fat or have sexual relations with cavemen you are fulfilling your duty and making it very easy for me to fulfil mine. Which is to mock the ever-loving shite out of you while also ensuring no cuss word ever becomes extinct. We all have our place in this world.

Having said that, there is one sub-category of the species that I regard as strictly off limits when it comes to vicious mockery, and that is kids. I don't often allow morals to trouble me but when I do, I do it for the children. Someone has to be the classy one in this business. *removes top, shakes tassles in Donald Trump's face* Which is why,  although you will often hear me verbally sodomizing Kanye West and his porn star ... oh pardon me, fashion icon ... bride, I have always drawn the line at mocking their baby. And am I ever glad because some BET producer aired a lame joke about Beyonce and Jay Z's two-year-old daughter, Blue Ivy, yesterday and he not only lost his job but has also been ordered to perform daily restitutional blow jobs on the Illumati for the rest of his life. (Link below.)

And now, speaking of how children are off-limits, let's begin with this item about how the youngest Kardashian-Jenner is ripe for the pimpening. *bows head piously* May the lord be with you.

Kylie Jenner is just two frontal surgeries away from being profitable Kim. Fishwrapper

Prince Harry has a new girlfriend and her name, I shit you not, is Camilla. E!Online 

Mariah Carey was not insanely jealous and controlling of Nick Cannon at all. Hollywood Life

Brad and Angelina got married because, I dunno, having six kids and living together for nine years wasn't 'official' enough? TMZ

Make fun of Beyonce and Jay Z's kid at your own peril. Page Six