|THANK YOU VERY MUCH, ESQUIRE; THESE PHOTOS OF CHRISSY TEIGEN |
mowing the lawn in a bikini are just what my self-esteem needed.
Yay! It's Friday and, by God, no one could be happier about that than I am. Because I've just come to the end of a full week of brazen celebrity hussies trying to outnude each other and if I have to look at one more picture of colt legs and helium boobs I'm gonna hurl. Why, this week alone, Heidi Klum ran around a photographer's studio in nothing but underpants, Olivia Wilde breastfed her baby for the cameras and Madonna posted and then immediately deleted a crotch shot to Instagram. (A horror from which I may never fully recover.) It wouldn't be so bad if the menfolk of Hollywood would respond in kind, but none of them ever do. Except, of course, for this idiot but he doesn't even have pubes yet. And probably never will. (*squints* So he's back with the hooker, is he?)
On the bright side, my work week is over so I can say with some confidence that the most upsetting thing I'll have to look at now will be an empty bottle of gin. Hey, who put this September issue of Esquire magazine featuring an absurdly hot photo shoot of Chrissy Teigen on my desk? Editor!!! It's Friday. GIVE MY EYES A GODDAM BREAK! *flips through pages, bites cap off Bombay Sapphire bottle with teeth* Wake me up when it's Monday.
EDITOR'S NOTE: That was quite possibly your most tasteless post yet.
MY NOTE: *burps* You say that at the end of every post.
EDITOR'S NOTE: This is true.
Madonna's daughter smokes now. Just thought you should know that. PerezHilton
Beyonce and Jay are staying with Gwyneth Paltrow for awhile. That'll help their marriage. Page Six
I've suddenly realized Jerry Hall should have been my best friend all along. UKTelegraph
Does anyone even remember what Mickey Rourke USED TO look like? TMZ