Tuesday, 16 September 2014

IT'S OKAY, EVERYBODY, RAY RICE IS A CHRISTIAN NOW

janay palmer, japalm, ray rice, NFL, elevator video,
A SWEET YET COMPLETELY FUCKED-UP MESSAGE
 from Janay Palmer's Twitter account.
Janay Palmer/Twitter @JanayRice

When last we visited Ray Rice, he was being given the gentlest NFL lashing possible for damn near murdering his fiancĂ©e with a move he probably calls "the elevator special."  It’s been a while since I called him one of the seven princes of hell for that one, so I thought I’d check in and see if the little woman is still alive how Mr. and Mrs. Rice are doing. And the answer is "bullshitty." 

Because sources tell the NY Daily News that Rice has since become a devout Christian *makes puking sounds* and sworn off "hard liquor" in an attempt to better himself. Which sounds like horse pucky to me, because I drink hard liquor all the time and I haven't once beaten anyone senseless, so I dunno, maybe I'm just not drinking enough of it. *takes generous swig of Patron, punches moron editor between the eyes* Huh! Well, I'll be damned. Forgive me, Father? 

EDITOR'S NOTE: Wow *shakes head blearily* that was one of her better ones! In case you've forgotten the horror that was the elevator video, or you're so hammered on hard liquor you can't even remember what I'm talking about, you can view it again here.