Thursday, 11 September 2014


rob ford, doug ford, tumour, humber hospital,
at a press conference at Humber Hospital Wednesday night.

EDITOR'S NOTE: In light of the fact that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has been admitted to hospital with a tumour, the mistress will be retracting her claws for a change and saying something nice about someone. I'm not sure who, but I can guarantee you it won't be Kim Kardashian, Chris Brown or especially Mike Tyson. That man is a barely contained maniac, not to mention a *peers around nervously, whispers*  cnvctdrpst.  
Audience: A what?  
Editor: *muffles mouth with hand* A ... uhm ... a convicted ... er ... well, you know. 
Audience: Rapist?  
Editor: ARGGH! Are you idiots trying to get me killed? 

MY NOTE: Fuck that. The rest of the world can go ahead and pretend they weren't mocking the bejeesus out of Rob Ford the day BEFORE he found out the massive gut ache he's been ignoring for three months is in fact a tumour. Me, I'm gonna just keep curmudgeoning. The man is a drama machine and even the way his family handled this latest development smacks of manipulation, as anyone who got suckered into watching Doug Ford's blustering, vaguely scornful press conference will attest. ("I summoned you here today to tell you not to ask me any questions. Goodbye.")

Look, it's not that I wish disease on Rob Ford, or on anyone for that matter; aside from the mind-boggling array of character flaws I'm sure he's a perfectly nice guy, but as a mayor he's a five-alarm disaster. It's just that the abrupt about-face of public opinion, the sudden feigning of pity from the very people who were lambasting and lampooning him moments before, is almost as nauseating as hearing Cro-Magnon Mike Tyson lisp that he's "the greatest mayor in Toronto's history!" It's insincere and it's hypocritical, and quite frankly, it's embarrassing. 

So if you were a Rob Ford fan before you found out he had a tumour ... or if you're just a decent guy (ie John Tory, who had this to say) ... then by all means, wish him well loudly and often. But if you weren't, you aren't fooling anyone by hopping on Twitter to proclaim the man a hero. He's not. He's a troubled individual who has been stricken with a worrisome affliction. This is sad and unfortunate, and I hope he gets well soon. Because we've got an election coming up in mere weeks and it's going to be bloody BORING if Rob Ford isn't there to throw a monkey wrench in the works.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Yes well you just go right on ahead being you. It's not like anyone's listening anyway. Least of all Mike Tyson. Er, and if you are, Mike, I just want you to know: that stuff about you being a convicted rapist? She TOLD me to say that.