|YUP, THAT'S $13,000 WORTH OF FUR PARIS HILTON IS HOLDING |
And I don't know about you, but if I named something 'Mr. Amazing' I would damn well expect it to weigh more than 10 ounces.
Just when you were starting to worry about my prolonged absence — you were worried, weren't you? — I have returned to my regularly scheduled gossiping. I'm admittedly a bit late because yesterday I decided I'd do a shot every time I heard the words "Rob Ford" and by 7 p.m. I was passed out cold on my throne. (No seriously. I have a throne.) But I'm feeling a lot better now and just in time because holy crap, you turn your back on these goddam moron celebrities for one minute and they're beating their wives, getting their face liposucted or having sex in their boyfriend's car and screaming racism.
Or, in the case of Paris Hilton, just trying to get back on the radar somehow. Anyhow. And since she's too old for sex tapes, what she's had to resort to is flapping her inherited wealth at us in the most obscene and inane ways possible. Take her latest stupid purchase, for example. Earlier this week PeeHilt bought the world's smallest Pomeranian from a Calgary breeder for $13,000 and is now treating him exactly as inappropriately as she treated her last fur-bearing accessory, a teacup rat or chihuahua or whatever the fuck it was. All I know is those things supposedly live for 15 years and yet WHEN IS THE LAST TIME ANYONE SAW THAT POOR CREATURE ALIVE? She had it made into a purse years ago, I'm sure of it.
Oh, but there there, teeny tiny little Pomeranian, don't you worry your chickpea-sized brain about it. She called you Mr. Amazing! That's gotta mean something! *looks away guiltily, rereads article about Kim Kardashian's teacup kitten * The poor inbred little bastard. I give him six weeks.
I've just found out in the most traumatizing way possible that Gerard Depardieu is probably my real father. UsWeekly
Ryan Gosling and some whore I don't care about had a baby.TMZ
Of course Kylie Jenner hasn't had plastic surgery; she's only 17! Her face completely changed all by itself, just like her father's did. HollywoodLife
And the Best Photoshop Award goes to ... well certainly not Beyonce's people. They totally screwed up the stairs between her fake thigh gap. PerezHilton