Saturday, 25 October 2014


chrissy teigen, twitter, john legend, nathan cirillo, sports illustrated, michael zehaf-bibeau,
and sharing the whole spectacular thing on Twitter. Yeah, well those days are over. 
Chrissy Teigen/Instagram

I have nothing against Chrissy Teigen. She seems like a perfectly nice girl, and heaven knows she must have something going for her because John Legend deems her worthy of his bed, Sports Illustrated deemed her worthy of their cover and Oprah deemed her worthy of an interview, so if I'm doing the math correctly, that practically equals Beyonce (minus the talent, carry the boobs). Plus she mows her lawn in a bikini and heels, so hell, why isn't she president, is what I want to know? 

Alas, Twitter has rather harshly provided the answer: because she's dumb as fuck. Because while Canada's very soul recoiled in shock and horror after the tragic shooting of Cpl. Nathan Cirillo while he was standing guard at the National War Memorial, Chrissy Teigen decided to weigh in thusly on Twitter: "Active shooting in Canada, or as we call it in America, Wednesday." 

A tweet that even I, who sees a bitch in every closet, realized was just a clumsy jab at lax gun controls ... I mean, really, there's a reason she's a model and not a biophysicist ... but which heartbroken Canadians were so enraged by they couldn't see straight. The backlash, insults and death threats were instantaneous and overwhelming, and so vicious that Chrissy eventually decided to pull the plug on Twitter forever. (Meaning three or four days, a week, max.) "I can't see anything through the sea of hate that is now my Twitter," she tweeted, after regrettably baiting further death threats by tweeting:

Right? You almost have to feel sorry for the poor retarded little nincompoop. Except don't because she's rich and insensitive and sleeping with John Legend, and did I mention she has legs up to her armpits? In fact ... *looks around angrily* ... where's my phone? Editor! Fetch me my phone! I need to Tweet some death threats to Chrissy Teigen! The shit that comes out of her mouth, it's unbelievable! "Wednesday" ??? I'll give you Wednesday! 

EDITOR'S NOTE: And while the mistress pointlessly flails at a Twitter account that no longer exists, may I inform you that, should you care to ogle more naked photographs further berate Chrissy Teigen, you can now find her here, on Instagram. Er, oh so I'm told.