Tuesday, 28 October 2014

JIAN GHOMESHI'S ALLEGEDLY SADISTIC ASS GOT FIRED

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Well, hi, there. Let's start our Monday off by thanking our lucky stars that we are anybody but Jian Ghomeshi because holy hellballs, if ever a story were worthy of being Whorrified it is this one: Remember when I said Jian Ghomeshi's explanation for taking a break from Q for "personal issues" sounded suspiciously dodgy ... and then I ignored my usually spot-on instincts and went on to coo that he's probably just in mourning his beloved father? 

Yeah, well ha-ha on me for that one, because I should have listened to myself. I should bloody well know by now that I am always right! 

On
Sunday afternoon, CBC dropped the bomb that it had severed ties with Jian Ghomeshi over sex allegations, thereby pissing all over Jian's story that he had left of his own volition. And while Twitter went into immediate cardiac arrest, Jian responded with the most gratifying Facebook post ever you can read it in its entirety here basically straight-up confessing to being into rough sex and how that is none of our goddam business, but apparently CBC thinks it is so guess what, JIAN IS SUING THEM FOR FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS! And right after I obsessively read and reread the naughty bits, I guffawed out loud, because dude! The CBC doesn't have $50 million dollars! Especially once you're out of the picture!

The story, according to reports, is that Jian couldn't be goddam creepier. He allegedly hits on women 20 years his junior, and when I say "hits on" I mean in every possible sense of the word, because check out this line: "In one woman’s case, she visited Ghomeshi at his Toronto home and alleges as soon as she walked into his house he suddenly struck her hard with his open hand, then continued to hit her and choked her. The woman alleges Ghomeshi repeatedly beat her about the head and choked her."

Jian vehemently denies engaging in any kind of sexual acts that were not consensual, accuses a vindictive ex-girlfriend of waging a smear campaign, and insists that what goes on in the privacy of his bedroom should stay in the privacy of his bedroom. Which unfortunately for him stopped being true the second the Internet got a whiff of it.

Anyway, you can get all the juicy, juicy details here, but remember, none of these allegations have been proven in court. And remember, Jian Ghomeshi has lawyered up and hired the brilliant lady shark Marie Henein, who is basically the Tanner Bolt of Toronto. And remember, someone should really check his woodshed for clues because ... no wait, sorry. Goddamit. I just finished reading Gone Girl and the similarities between these two stories keep getting in the way. 
I tell you, I cannot wait to see how this unfolds in the days and weeks ahead, because Toronto hasn't seen anything this titillating since Rob Ford and the non-existent crack video. And here I've been feeling weird about the fact that my moron editor sometimes dresses up as a naughty nurse.

EDITOR'S NOTE Ack! *sobs like a girl* YOU PROMISED YOU'D NEVER TELL!!!
MY NOTE This just in: I'm a bit of a bitch.