Friday, 31 October 2014

YOUR EXTRA-SPECIAL DOSE OF HALLOWEEN WHORRORS

halloween, miley cyrus, toonz, naenae, piggly wiggly, chelsea handler,
SHE'S BAAAACK! MILEY CYRUS HAS A NEW DANCE and it's almost as bad as twerking.
MileyCyrus/Instagram

Yay! It's Friday and it's Halloween! If ever there were a perfect excuse to go on a mammoth bender the likes of which I have been practising for all my life, it is this. But before I get to that, I'd like to tend to my loving flock of followers. I've been racking my brains trying to think of a way to make this day special for you without spending a dime of my own money, which is damn near impossible so in the end I said fuck it: just give 'em something that will make them smile, perchance to laugh. Which is very generous of me since, let's be honest, it's not like you guys pay me for this. (Note to self: Why have I not realized that sooner? Editor's note: I would imagine your 8 or 9 remaining brain cells are pretty busy just trying to remind you to breathe and wear pants.) 

I've rounded up a few of the most important news tidbits of the week to kick your Halloween bashment off with. Starting, of course, with Miley Cyrus, because in case you haven't heard, she's finally sick of twerking and has moved on to the next big thing: Nae Nae-ing. The Nae Nae is a dance created by and for black people so who better than the whitest hillbilly imaginable to introduce it to the masses? 

MILEY INTRODUCES NAE NAE 


Not surprisingly, the creators of Nae Nae are indignant at Miley's goat-arsed bastardization of their moves. They immediately posted a protest video to TMZ noting "she doin' it wrong," and also uploaded this video in which they show you how to do it right. Which I am providing to you as a public service, since I am pretty sure every one of you plans to bust this move at a Halloween party tonight.

GUYS WHO INVENTED NAE NAE CALL BULLSHIT


Which is all fine and dandy, you say, but where are the boobs? Don't worry. I thought of that. So here's a gratuitous and quite frankly horrifying breast-off, below, featuring Vladimir Putin and comedian Chelsea Handler, who posted this chaste photo to Instagram with the caption: "Anything a man can do, a woman has the right to do better. #kremlin. Which Instagram had the good sense to immediately remove because, Jesus Christ, MY EYES! 

  WHO UNWORE IT BETTER?

And of course, no compilation would be complete without the viral video of the week, showing a woman enduring 108 catcalls in 10 hours. The woman, actress Shoshana Roberts, strolled the streets in jeans and a modest T-shirt while a friend walked ahead of her wearing a concealed Go-Pro. The results are astonishing ... except hold on, not astonishing at all, because anyone who is even barely recognizable as a woman has had this uncomfortable experience. I am hardly what anyone would call a spring chicken and yet I get harassed almost every day while walking to the bus. The great thing about getting older is that you're no longer intimidated by these fuckers and you know how to put them in their place. I personally like to kick them in the crotch while wearing these man-berry removers and/or leap into their arms and cling to them like a drowning monkey while screeching: "FINALLY! I FOUND A MAN! MARRY MEEEEEE!" You haven't lived until you've seen a construction worker blanch like a bleached peanut and scream, "Get her offa me! I'm not kidding you guys! GET HER OFFA ME!'  

WELCOME TO LIFE AS A WOMAN


And lastly, just because we've all heard more than we ever wanted to about the adventures of Jian Ghomeshi and Big Ears Teddy this week, I leave you with this palate-cleansing dose of Halloween sweetness: Miss Piggly Wiggly, wearing a crown of pumpkins. Whether she wants to or not. #ThingsOnPigglysHead #HappyHalloween!

halloween, miley cyrus, toonz, naenae, piggly wiggly, chelsea handler,