Monday, 10 November 2014

BRITNEY SPEARS IS HEAD OVER ARSE IN LOVE. AGAIN.

britney spears, charlie ebersol, work bitch, k-fed,
BRITNEY POSTED THIS GIDDY PHOTO OF HERSELF
 with the new beau she found at WalMart, probably. 
Instagram

It's been quite a weekend for hillbilly news. Aside from the soul-clenching horror that is Mama June's retarded, child-molesting paramour plotting Honey Boo Boo's impregnation while Mama June naps off a meal of Laffy Taffy, we have Miley Cyrus enraging the Internet with pictures of her pet pig getting a pedicure and then Britney Spears resetting the Internet's pudding brain to "happy" by posting a picture of yet another "brand new boyfriend." *re-reads that entire sentence, shoots self in head* (Editor's note: Fortunately, the mistress is fully capable of continuing even without her brain. In fact when dealing with this particular subject matter it actually helps.) 

Britney posted this picture on Instagram and celebrity gossip websites immediately went into bootlicking mode, nattering on about how sweet it is that she has found "true love." And I'm like, excuse me? Wasn't it just last week that Britney dumped some other true love because he cheated on her with a porn star? No, not K-Fed, the true love father of her children, and no, not Jason Trawick, the true love manager she was engaged to, and not Jared Leto or Criss Angel or Isaac Cohen or Howie Day or Adnan Ghalib or that dude she actually married in Vegas on a true love whim, in fact, where was I going with this because I've completely forgotten? 

My point being: WHO THE FUCK CARES IF BRITNEY SPEARS HAS A NEW BOYFRIEND? Where I come from, we call people who date that feverishly and indiscriminately Jian Ghomeshi a slut. Furthermore, the woman is about as deep as tub of lard, has about as much pizazz as a soccer mom and hasn't had a decent hit since she was a teenager. Unless you count that curiously infectious ditty Work, Bitch, which I don't because the synthesizer did all the work in that one. In fact, I'm not even going to bother remembering this new dude's name, since I'm fairly certain that by the time I've finished writing this he'll be cheating on her with a waitress at Denny's and I will have wasted precious minutes I could have spent rearranging my camo-patterned-underwear drawer.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Charlie Ebersol.
MY NOTE: Eh? Is your Tourette's acting up again?
EDITOR'S NOTE: His name is Charlie Ebersol. And I think he looks kind of sweet.
MY NOTE: *retches dramatically* Ah that's nice. I'm going to play Britney's Work, Bitch video really loud now until you shut up.