Sunday, 21 June 2015

I THINK WE CAN BLAME THIS ON KIM KARDASHIAN'S ARSE

lorde, taylor swift, diplo, kim kardashian,
"PANCAKE BOOTY? EN GARDE!" LORDE WILL CUT YOU 
with a dull butter knife for insulting her pancake-bootied bestie, Taylor Swift.
TaylorSwift/Instagram

Kim Kardashian's greased melon arse has a lot to answer for this week. Since that thing went public, no one has been able to think, write or talk about anything but butts. Not only did it suck all the headlines, a tub of lard and an entire team of photographers into its cavernous vortex, but it has also put ideas into heads that aren't used to such things. Take music producer Diplo, for example. Diplo got so drunk ogling Kim's Photoshopped arse he started the social media equivalent of a bar fight yesterday with a comment mocking Taylor Swift's pancake ass. 

Despite being perfectly accurate, this observation got Twitter's preteen knickers in a twist and before you could say "hashtag illiterate" it had turned into a shitstorm of pimplefaces rushing to defend Taylor Swift's pancake-assed honour. It would be hilarious if it wasn't so ridiculous. And the most ridiculous thing about it is that 18-year-old singer Lorde has emerged as some sort of genius hero solely on the grounds of this zippy rejoinder ...

Which basically proves there's no way in hell that kid writes her own lyrics. (And also proves you're not missing a goddam thing by not having a Twitter account.) What she needs, and what Diplo needs hell, what Twitter needs is a ghost tweeter with the searing wit of Dorothy Parker and the killing instincts of a mongoose. And I know what you're thinking: Why that sounds like YOU, milady! It does rather, doesn't it? Unfortunately I can't accept the job as I'm far too busy checking the state of my own ass in the mirror. *peers thoughtfully* It's more like a small village, actually.

EDITOR'S NOTE: And in closing, let's all watch Taylor shake what her mama gave her. (Not a pancake joke.)

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