Tuesday, 25 November 2014


Because he makes more money than Rihanna and Jennifer Lawrence combined, the little shit. 
Los Angeles Police Department

Hey, kids! I have no idea why you're reading this highly inappropriate blog when you should be studying, but I'll just assume it's because you hate studying. Which is eerily serendipitous because I'm about to give you some news that could get you out of studying forever.

While doing my daily rounds of rigourous celebrity gossip research, I stumbled across this gobsmacker: Forbes Magazine says Justin Bieber is the highest-paid celebrity under 30 in the world, raking in a staggering $80 million last year. Think about that. The guy does nothing but bang hookers, smoke weed and mewl the occasional song between court appearances, he couldn't spell "cat" without the help of a tutor and yet he's got more money than your mom and dad will ever see in a lifetime. If that isn't God's way of telling you that you're wasting your time in science class, I don't know what is. 

So the next time the old lady starts ragging on you about all the homework you're not doing, just tell her: "Homework's for losers. Justin Bieber makes $80 million a year and he's dumb as fuck!" Oh, and one more thing: be sure to tell her you read that on Whorrified. Parents love it when they find out their kid has been surfing celebrity arse porn on the family computer! You can always tell her "somebody" bookmarked it and you found it by accident.

EDITOR'S NOTE: So, don't study, emulate Justin Bieber, and lie to your parents. Any other choice advice you'd like to pass on to the CHILDREN?
MY NOTE: No, I think that covers it. We'll talk about the importance of controlling one's liquor intake another time.