Saturday, 15 August 2015

SOLANGE KNOWLES GOT MARRIED? THAT MAKES NO SENSE



And now from our "Covered in Wintry White" files, I bring you the most surprising news of the day. It's the kind of news that shouldn't be surprising because it's just nature taking its course. It's the kind of news that makes you say, "How lovely!" while a voice inside of you hisses, "It's so cold! It burns. IT BURNS!" It's the kind of news that makes you think Solange Knowles might actually be a little bit sane after all, because somehow she convinced some poor sap to bind himself to her in holy matrimony.

Haha, psyche! You thought this was going to be about the snow that blanketed Ontario's nether regions overnight, didn't you? No, it's about the nuptials that came out of nowhere, in which Solange married Alan Ferguson, a much-older music producer (she's 28, he's 51) that few of us ever heard of let alone even knew she was dating. You'll observe that he has one of those Allahu Akbar beards all the kids are wearing these days because they want to make sure no one gets through airport check-ins in under three hours, and that Solange ordered everyone to wear white. Even the photo props. Because nothing says virginal like Solange Knowles ... and of course, snow. 
Except that snow eventually melts and apple blossoms and baby bunnies and warm warm sunshine takes its place. Call me a pessimist but I highly doubt that's how this is going to end for Alan Ferguson.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Mistress! Not one single joke about that time Solange "Ray Riced" her own brother-in-law? I'm proud of you! 
MY NOTE: Too cheap, too easy. It'd be like shooting fish in an elevator.