Wednesday, 19 November 2014

I THINK I DESERVE A REWARD FOR MY IRON WILLPOWER

timberlands, Winners, Shoppers World, Brampton shopping, ice storm,
PERHAPS ON MY NEXT OUTING
I'LL BUY A NEW MIRROR 
God knows this one could use a break.





If you'll permit me a rare moment of bragging (and you might as well because I'm going to do it anyway), I'm feeling pretty proud of myself today. I went shopping and bought exactly the things I needed, resisted the things I don't need, and actually liked everything I'd bought when I got home and tried it on in front of the real mirrors. Any woman reading this can tell you it hardly ever works out that way.

Yesterday was my day off, and it was cold enough to freeze the bristles off a pig! Well I walk a half hour to the bus every day, so a really good coat, hat, mitts and boots are the only things standing between me and the polar vortexes that want to eat me alive. (Although with my spicey, rum-soaked diet, I have a feeling I'd be delicious.

So I hopped on the bus and hit the mall, where my first challenge was to resist saying, "Ooo, Spoonful restaurant! Perhaps I'll just spend my money there instead." I quickly overcame this dangerous moment only to be confronted with another when I spotted a pair of camo-patterned Timberlands. "Omigod," I gasped, "I can't go home without those! It'd be like abandoning a baby!" My shopping expeditions always unfold this way. I set out looking for useful things I need and come home with useless things I want. It's how you build an epic shoe collection.

In the end, I spent three hours trying on clothes, arguing with myself about why I should get the serviceable black DKNY coat instead of the completely impracticable white Tahari coat and why I should get the ugly but warm Sorels instead of the adorable but useless thigh-high dominatrix boots (Editor's note: Actually she caved and bought both. My note: The Sorels weren't up to the job of kicking you in the arse), and in the end, I made all the right choices and none of the wrong ones, not even the camo boots. *mentally counts the hours until payday* Even the sunglasses were a wise choice, because I'm starting to get famous now and I didn't want anyone to recognize me on the bus on the way home. And it worked. No one recognized me. 

In fact my only misstep was that I spent so much time talking myself off the shopping-disaster ledge I completely forgot to buy a bottle of booze and so, after a late night of work on the coldest day of the year, I had to come home to nothing more bracing than a bowl of goddam soup. Jesus Christ. Is this the sort of hardship the pioneers had to endure? I would never have survived.