|PERHAPS ON MY NEXT OUTING |
I'LL BUY A NEW MIRROR
God knows this one could use a break.
Yesterday was my day off, and it was cold enough to freeze the bristles off a pig! Well I walk a half hour to the bus every day, so a really good coat, hat, mitts and boots are the only things standing between me and the polar vortexes that want to eat me alive. (Although with my spicey, rum-soaked diet, I have a feeling I'd be delicious.)
So I hopped on the bus and hit the mall, where my first challenge was to resist saying, "Ooo, Spoonful restaurant! Perhaps I'll just spend my money there instead." I quickly overcame this dangerous moment only to be confronted with another when I spotted a pair of camo-patterned Timberlands. "Omigod," I gasped, "I can't go home without those! It'd be like abandoning a baby!" My shopping expeditions always unfold this way. I set out looking for useful things I need and come home with useless things I want. It's how you build an epic shoe collection.
In the end, I spent three hours trying on clothes, arguing with myself about why I should get the serviceable black DKNY coat instead of the completely impracticable white Tahari coat and why I should get the ugly but warm Sorels instead of the adorable but useless thigh-high dominatrix boots (Editor's note: Actually she caved and bought both. My note: The Sorels weren't up to the job of kicking you in the arse), and in the end, I made all the right choices and none of the wrong ones, not even the camo boots. *mentally counts the hours until payday* Even the sunglasses were a wise choice, because I'm starting to get famous now and I didn't want anyone to recognize me on the bus on the way home. And it worked. No one recognized me.
In fact my only misstep was that I spent so much time talking myself off the shopping-disaster ledge I completely forgot to buy a bottle of booze and so, after a late night of work on the coldest day of the year, I had to come home to nothing more bracing than a bowl of goddam soup. Jesus Christ. Is this the sort of hardship the pioneers had to endure? I would never have survived.