|WE INTERRUPT YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PIGGLY-ING |
to inform you that Angelina Jolie is better than you in every possible way.
I was babysitting my beloved Piggly Wiggly on Saturday and was left with the following orders: "Please, for the love of God, just get her to eat something." Yes, still having major feeding issues — in fact we're starting to think she's a Breatharian — but there are medical reasons so please don't judge my daughter's mothering abilities or I will have to beat you senseless with this crystal-bottomed tumbler of Crown Royal. And speaking of being an exemplary mother, let me tell you how this relates to Angelina Jolie. I was desperately trying to get a few ounces of nutrients into Piggly, who was putting up quite a fight for someone who only weighs 15 pounds, so I turned on the verboten television and tuned in to YouTube. Because a lot of things have changed since I was raising babies but the creepily hypnotic power of Barney the Dinosaur is not one of them. (I am not above putting a baby in a trance if it means getting an extra spoonful or two into her.)
Anyway, this video, below, popped up as "A message from Universal Pictures About Angelina Jolie," giving Piggly an unexpected but welcome reprieve from pretending to give a shit about eating while I went slack-jawed. Because this video is about 40 seconds of a visibly wan Angie explaining that she won't be able to attend the premiere of Unbroken, which she directed, and teasingly building up to the reason: because she has chicken pox. Which, if you've ever had as an adult, is no small thing. In fact it's a goddam horror and you wind up with pox in places no one should ever have to scratch. And yet full-blown Angie found the time to make a video and to look ethereally beautiful in it. Because even in an undershirt, with no makeup and covered with pox, Angelina Jolie is more amazing than any of us. Jesus Christ. Poor dusty-wombed Jennifer Aniston never stood a chance ...