|MY FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS GIFT SO FAR: SHOES! |
TO: Me FROM: Me
(I sure hope I don't have to sleep with myself in exchange for this gift. It's not that great.)
Got your Christmas shopping all done? I know, I friggin hate being asked that too. In fact the next person who asks me that is going to get punched right in the vagina. Although I must say my shopping is actually going pretty well: so far I've got myself a gorgeous pair of nude suede shoes, a bottle of champagne, a wine aerator and a desktop calendar with daily insightful quotes from the Dalai Lama. As for things I've bought for other people, that's not going so well. Honestly, a penguin hat, women's size, without mittens attached? A vintage wooden bubblegum dispenser filled with sugar-free bubblegum (because nothing says "vintage" like a mouthful of aspartame)? Where am I supposed to find that crap? I shop at the LCBO, people; adjust your expectations accordingly!
If you ask me, we've got this Christmas thing all wrong. Why in my day Christmas was about letting mom do all the shopping and wrapping and cooking and me just opening gift after gift after gift. Nowadays it's about buying gift cards, being sent links to the exact gift others want so you can order it online ... it's about as spiritually uplifting as a rectal exam.
If you ask me, we should just spend the day after Christmas (when the sales are on), buying fabulous things for ourselves. We know what we like, we know what we want, we know our size, our tastes ... I mean come on. Happiness guaranteed! And isn't being happy what Christmas is all about?
EDITOR'S NOTE: Actually it's all about the birth of Jesus.
MY NOTE: Shit. ANOTHER gift I gotta buy!