Monday, 8 December 2014


diddy, drake, miami nightclub, LIV, rappers, cassie, rihanna,
he thought it would be a good idea to punch Drake.

So let me see if I can get this straight: Diddy clocked Drake outside a Miami nightclub in the wee hours of Monday morning to settle a beef over "money" and "respect." And not, as was widely and infinitely more believably reported, over hoes and drunkenness. Because now that the spin doctors have had time to beat this ridiculous incident into some form of almost-respectability (by hip hop standards), the story seems to be that Diddy confronted Drake outside of LIV nightclub and huffed "You will never disrespect me!" He then proceeded to command said respect by punching Drake with enough middle-aged manpower to leave Drizzy "stunned but not knocked out," according to TMZ's pugilism analysts. (They're actually the same people who get Harvey Levin's coffee and massage his bald spot using only their pinky fingers, just the way he likes it, but you didn't hear that from me.) 

The utterly banal episode, which is exactly the sort of hooch-fuelled mayhem that unfolds at every boozecan in Canada every Saturday night, is on the verge of breaking the Internet for no reason other than Rap Royalty coldcocks Rap Whippersnapper ... and wins! Except here's my take on it, which I can sum up in one word: BULLSHIT. Because please, P Diddy or Puff Blabby or whatever the hell it is we're supposed to be calling you these days I can't be bothered to remember because when's the last time you had a hit song? you are forty-goddam-five years old. Aren't you a little old to be A) partying until the wee hours at Miami nightclubs and B) drunkenly blindsiding the pride of Canada, who, let's be honest, could easily have had his people toss you into an elevator and Ray-Rice you while he took off with your grotesquely younger girlfriend, leaving you to figure out why you're sobering up on a Miami sidewalk in your Hammer pants? Trust me, if I were writing the script of life, that is exactly how this would have ended *airpunches maniacally* bi-i-itch!

EDITOR'S NOTE: There there, my liege, do calm down! 
MY NOTE: He took a swing at the pride of Canada!
EDITOR'S NOTE: That would be Carly Rae Jepsen.
MY NOTE: Okay well then no ... but ... he took a swing at a handicapped person! Have you seen how far apart Drake's eyes are? There's no way he could have seen that punch coming!