Wednesday, 10 December 2014


karrueche tran, drake, chris brown, khloe kardashian, french montana,
of Christmas breakups by dumping Chris Brown. (Although she's still posting bikini pics like a maniac; one must maintain one's Google juice, after all.)

Last call! Last call, everybody! Holiday breakups, time's runnin' out; last call! Ah yes, the last-minute Christmas breakup, that cherished tradition whereby people look at their partner, look at their shopping list and realize that they'd rather spend that money on shoes for myself. (*rereads* What? That was a total typo!) The Christmas breakup is a fantastic way to measure the depth of one's love for one's other half, and I'm not one for fractions but basically the way the math works is, if your resentment is greater than the amount you're willing to spend on your partner's present, it's not love. Equals breakup. Minus the crying jags, carry the queen-sized-bed all to yourself. 

No one is exempt from the pure science of it, least of all celebritits, who are gloriously illustrating the Christmas-breakup math in more gratifying ways than I could ever imagine, so let's just ogle their personal crises for our holiday enjoyment, shall we? Did I mention math? This isn't voyeurism, it's homework!

Exhibit A: Karrueche Tran has dumped Chris Brown via Instagram after he called her a "bitch" and accused her of cheating on him with Drake. Karrueche retorted that she will not allow herself to be "mistreated," which is hilarious considering who she was dealing with. She's just lucky she wasn't goddam murdered.  

Exhibit B: Leonardo di Caprio: Leo has broken up with his supermodel girlfriend Toni Garnn and is coping with the nonexistent grief by drowning himself in women. Probably literally. The bearded douchebag left a Miami nightclub with 20 broads, and while I can certainly see what's in it for Leo, I can't for the life of me see what's in it for them. 

Exhibit C: Khloe Kardashian and rapper French Montana have split up for the second time in a month because he's a cheating manwhore "Khloe's not ready to settle down." And also because he's a cheating manwhore.

Exhibit D: Kate Hudson has broken up with Matt Bellamy of Muse, her second musician husband and father of her second son. (Although by Hollywood standards this is practically American Gothic so who am I to judge?) The two are whinnying about remaining "committed co-parents," which sounds suspiciously Gwynethy so I'm going to cut this one short before I hurl. 
Happy holidays, everyone, and remember: only 14 breakup days left till Christmas!