Wednesday, 31 December 2014

HAVE SOME WILD NAKED FUN TONIGHT. SOMEONE HAS TO

Mr Poopyants, Happy New Year, Whorrified,
'SOMEBODY' REPLACED HER BOSS'S NAMEPLATE
WITH THIS HILARIOUS FIRING OFFENCE
(I may have to be at work on New Year's but I don't have to be a good sport about it.)

Happy New Year everyone! Well, not quite everyone; unlike my boss and in fact most of my co-workers, who had the sense to book New Year's Eve off, I will be working right through midnight, which means that the first face I'll see in 2015 will not be that of a loved one but rather that of a phlegm-spewing GO bus passenger en route home to Brampton. (Is it just me or do only sick people ride that bus? Jesus Christ, guys, at least cover your Ebola-infested maw when you cough!) Which is why I will be sneaking a flask disguised as a vibrator onto the bus tonight, like I do every night except tonight it seems acceptable. 
As you can see, I'm already whipping myself into a froth of surliness and self-pity so I'll keep this short: 2014 was no prize. It brought us Ebola, ISIS, beheadings, disappearing airliners, homicidal racists disguised as cops, the details of Jian Ghomeshi's "lovelife" and, perhaps most grotesquely of all, Kim Kardashian's terrorist attack on our eyeballs. However, it also brought something that rendered every other horror irrelevant, something that renewed my faith in humanity, something that made the very air in my head lighter and sweeter: I refer, of course, to this. And now, if you'll excuse me, I have drinking at work to do. I wish all of you the very best in 2015. Unless you're a celebritwat. In that case I'm going to make you wish I'd never been born.

EDITOR'S NOTE: *whispers to audience* I already wish that.
MY NOTE: Well now we know who my first beheading of 2015 will be. But first, moron, some champagne. I insist ...