Monday, 29 December 2014

GOD HEARS OUR PRAYERS, THIS GETUP PROVES IT

nike, dry-fit, sport check, bramalea city centre, workout,
Like probably everybody, I am thrilled to goddam bits that Christmas is over because now perhaps this sick annual compulsion to cram as much food as possible into my gut pouch will ease up. I've been eating competitively for two weeks straight, pausing only long enough to pour Bajan rum into myself. I'm basically a booze-soaked human fruitcake now. If you killed me and ate me, I'd be delicious. (Editor's note: Duly noted.) 

Anyway, we're still sort of on Christmas break here at Whorrified, but I thought I'd sear your eyeballs with this delightful visual of one of my favourite presents this year: a Nike Dri-Fit tracksuit I've been coveting ever since I saw it six weeks ago at Sport Chek. The price instantly threw me into sticker shock so I simply assumed God put it there with the intention that someone would gift it to me for the holidays. (You have to be alert to the divine signs. They're everywhere. Especially malls.) And on Christmas Day, my wish was granted, thanks be to God and my mother. 

I love it because it's adorable and also because I find that nothing motivates you to drag your sluggish dimpled arse to the gym like funky new workout gear. Alas, with my regrettable inverse relationship with funky workout gear, this one is more likely to turn me into a cripple than an Olympian. *gazes adoringly at own reflection* It's a chance I'm willing to take.