|LIFE & STYLE, DEC. 29 EDITION|
capped off a week of drug-infused bacchanalia with Miley Cyrus by marrying her.
According to Life&Style, the alleged setting was a crazy night in Miami, where Miley dragged her boyfriend, Patrick Schwarzenegger, to a location where a “little-person stripper pal who is ordained as a minister was waiting.” According to an insider, “Miley whipped out wedding rings she’d fashioned from toiler paper rolls and screamed, ‘We’re getting married!' "
Other more reputable media outlets (which would be just about any media outlet) are reporting that, despite the fact that it sounds like exactly the sort of wedding ceremony a silly twat like Miley would want, it was just a booze-fueled party prank and the two aren't legally married at all.
Unfortunately, this clarification comes too late for Maria Shriver, who already has her head in the gas oven while she leaves message after message on Patrick's cellphone. "Son!?!? It's your mother calling ... goddamit! WHY WON'T HE PICK UP?"
Miley: *holds up Patrick's cellphone* It's her again. Hit reject.
Patrick: But she'll be so ...
Miley: Fine, I'll do it. *belches loudly* "Hello, Ma? Guess what: I'm pregnant!"