Thursday, 18 December 2014

MILEY CYRUS WILL BE THE DEATH OF MARIA SHRIVER

miley cyrus, patrick schwarzenegger, maria shriver, Life& Style,
LIFE & STYLE, DEC. 29 EDITION
It's tough to know what to get your mother-in-law for Christmas. Unless you're twerking hillbilly trash. In that case you just stab her in the heart with a shiv you made out of a possum bone and say "Guess what? We're related!" Which in fact would probably be one of the less painful ways Maria Shriver could have learned the horrific news that her sweet innocent boy has 
capped off a week of drug-infused bacchanalia with Miley Cyrus by marrying her. 

According to Life&Style, the alleged setting was a crazy night in Miami, where Miley dragged her boyfriend, Patrick Schwarzenegger, to a location where a “little-person stripper pal who is ordained as a minister was waiting.” According to an insider, “Miley whipped out wedding rings she’d fashioned from toiler paper rolls and screamed, ‘We’re getting married!' " 

Other more reputable media outlets (which would be just about any media outlet) are reporting that, despite the fact that it sounds like exactly the sort of wedding ceremony a silly twat like Miley would want, it was just a booze-fueled party prank and the two aren't legally married at all. 

Unfortunately, this clarification comes too late for Maria Shriver, who already has her head in the gas oven while she leaves message after message on Patrick's cellphone.  "Son!?!? It's your mother calling ... goddamit! WHY WON'T HE PICK UP?" 
Miley: *holds up Patrick's cellphone* It's her again. Hit reject.
Patrick: But she'll be so ...
Miley: Fine, I'll do it. *belches loudly* "Hello, Ma? Guess what: I'm pregnant!"
Maria: AAAAAAAAAARRRGGH!