Tuesday, 29 September 2015

OH, STFU, SHIA LABEOUF, YOU WERE NOT GODDAM RAPED

shia labeouf, brown paper bag, mama june, time.com,
SHIA LABEOUF HAS BELATEDLY REALIZED
that he was raped while he had a paper bag 
over his head at his 'performance art' show. 
Which is entirely believable if you're insane.
Georges Biard/Wikipedia
Because he is nothing if not an overrated actor and flaming lunatic, Shia Labeouf has taken it upon himself to ruin the hard-won advancements made by legitimate sexual assault victims this month by braying about a bullshit sex-assault encounter of his own. That's right: Shia Labeouf, wearer of brown paper bags and grabber of butts, is blubbering that he was raped during his stupid "performance art" show back in February. (And I wouldn't normally make light of such a grievous offence but in this case, I'll make an exception because the entire thing happened in his head.)

The incident, according Labeouf, occurred when he was sitting alone in a room in a gallery, wearing a brown paper bag on his head yet again and inviting people to say and do whatever they wanted to him because Leonardo da Vinci's dabbles are not art, SITTING IN A ROOM WITH A PAPER BAG ON YOUR HEAD IS ART.

And although all kinds of madness apparently unfolded during this bullshit endeavour, none of it came to light until an interviewer randomly asked him last week if anything the least bit interesting happened and Shia basically said: "Not really. Wait ... I think I got raped?"
Via Time.com:
"One woman who came with her boyfriend, who was outside the door when this happened, whipped my legs for ten minutes and then stripped my clothing and proceeded to rape me… There were hundreds of people in line when she walked out with dishevelled hair and smudged lipstick. It was no good, not just for me but her man as well. On top of that my girl was in line to see me, because it was Valentine’s Day and I was living in the gallery for the duration of the event – we were separated for five days, no communication. So it really hurt her as well . . . When she came in she asked for an explanation, and I couldn’t speak, so we both sat with this unexplained trauma silently."

Notwithstanding the bullshittiness of how someone with a paper bag on his head could have observed her dishevelled hair and smudged lipstick or why it didn't occur to him to simply take the bag off and snap "I kind of draw the art line at RAPE, ma'am!", there is the whole other issue of how the "hundreds of other people" in line simply looked on in ennui rather than run into the streets screaming: "OMIGOD! Somebody is raping Shia Labeouf and he is powerless to stop it because he's got a paper bag on his head!" 
Honestly, Shia, you need to shut up and get help. I've heard more believable twaddle oozing out of Mama June's piehole.