Tuesday, 23 December 2014

TYGA BELATEDLY REALIZES STRIPPERS WILL BE STRIPPERS

blac chyna, tyga, urban ink, kylie jenner, kardashians, king cairo,
TATTED-UP PARENTS BLAC CHYNA AND TYGA IN HAPPIER TIMES 
Sadly, and some would say incredibly, this lovely wholesome couple didn't make it 
and things are getting nastier than a case of herpes.

So let me get this straight: rapper Tyga thinks the stripper he eagerly impregnated just two years ago is "a bad mom" because she parties and twerks too much. Which is weird because I thought that was pretty much the definition of a stripper's duties. So now Tyga ... and bear with me, this isn't going to get any more sensible ... who skyrocketed to fame on the strength of a song about strippers (video below) is now so offended by the behaviour of strippers that he plans to take Blac Chyna's pneumatically enhanced fake arse to court and sue her for custody of their toddler, King Cairo. (King Cairo: "You know what? I'm just gonna run away and hang out with the heroin addicts. I like my chances better.")

To further enhance the richness of this absurdity tableau, Tyga's new girlfriend and probable future baby-mama hails from a family in which "mothering abilities" are measured by one's ability to hold the video cam steady during the filming of sex tapes. I refer of course, to the Kardashian-Jenner viper pit. Yeah that's right. Twenty-five-year-old Tyga, stripper balladeer turned romancer of underage vipers, is dating seventeen-year-old Kylie Jenner. Which means that the kid he's never gonna get full custody of will have to call Kylie "Mommy" on visitation weekends until Tyga ruins everything by cheating on Kylie with an ugly transvestite. It's like I'm psychic. I can see it all unfolding right in front of me like a ... Jesus Christ, Bruce Jenner, what are YOU doing here?!?! Get your moobs out of my revelation! *spits vehemently* What do I gotta do to get some good peyote?) 
And now, since I consider it my duty to keep you guys hip, I present Tyga's super-catchy song "Rack City," featuring Blac Chyna. (The "clean" version. Because no one wants to catch computer cooties.)