Monday, 12 January 2015

ALLOW ME TO WARM YOU UP WITH SOME HOT MESSES

LENA DUNHAM'S 2015 GOLDEN GLOBES GETUP
 somehow managed to eclipse the horror that was her 2014 Golden Globes getup.    
Twitter@HuffPostStyle

Welcome! It's a bitterly cold day in the most depressing month of the year so I figured I'd put things into perspective by hitting you with wave after wave of visuals you will never be able to unsee. Beginning with the lifesized horror that is Lena Dunham, who basically wiped out anything good that happened at the Golden Globes by showing up looking like a haggis crossed with a blancmange wrapped in an abortion. Where does one even find such hideous shite? She has to be doing this on purpose. No one can be this consistently unattractive by accident. Except Kelly Osbourne, of course, who thank God wasn't at the Golden Globes because, Jesus Christ, my poor eyes. Wait, what, she was? Jesus Christ. My poor eyes! 

shia labeouf, elastic heart, maddie ziegler, sia,
Shia Labeouf and Maddie Ziegler in Elastic Heart
In related eyeball terrorism, we have this bizarre video, below, which I stumbled across last Thursday and haven't stopped having nightmares about since. Which one would expect of any project that involves Shia Labeouf because let's face it, that guy hasn't been right for quite some time now. Certainly not since he deluded himself into thinking he was imaginary raped at his own performance art exhibit. This music video for Sia's Elastic Heart, however, plumbs new depths of crazy by featuring Shia naked, interpretive dance-fighting a 12-year-old girl and taunting us with gratuitous pullups and whiffs of pedophilia. If that kid doesn't need therapy by the time she's 14, it'll be a miracle. (Then again, Shia Labeouf was a child actor and he turned out just fine.) 



And speaking of miracles, let's move right along to our final visual horror: Stephen Hawking. Well really I could just leave it at that, but no, Stephen Hawking wants to further blow our minds with the scientific marvel that is his alleged insatiable desire for hookers and kinky sex. In addition to earlier reports that he is a frequent visitor to sex clubs, the Daily Mail is reporting that he was a guest at the private island retreat where Prince Andrew and other rich ugly guys allegedly paid for trysts with underage sex slaves. This adds a whole new meaning to Hawking's "big bang" theory GET OUT OF MY HEAD DISGUSTING VISUAL!!!! 

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'WHERE'S THE SEX WING?' YOU LITTLE KIDDER!' 
Possible actual exchange between President Barack Obama and Stephen Hawking during White House visit.
Wikipedia photo